The musician getting in tune with mental fitness

Musician Brian Zhang knows the unique mental fitness challenges artists face all too well. The isolation, the grind of life on the road, the struggle to find the next gig to pay the bills, the lack of industry support.

Music has been part of Brian's life for most of his 28 years. From playing along with childhood hero Murray the Red Wiggle on TV, to discovering his other hero, Aussie guitar legend Tommy Emmanuel on YouTube.

He learnt guitar as a child, studied at Sydney University’s Conservatorium of Music and spent a decade teaching more than 1,000 students at his music school in Sydney’s north. 

But the greatest lesson Brian learnt does not involve a single chord or strum of a guitar. 

It’s the importance of talking about mental health challenges - something Brian learnt the hard way. 

Now, he shares his support and wisdom about navigating mental health challenges as a musician in raw and honest posts online at The Mental Musician.

But it took him a long time to get to that point.

He was diagnosed with depression after finishing high school. He’d been living with it for years, he just didn’t know what it was.

As a teenager with a very sick mum and a dad running two businesses, Brian was under pressure to be the ‘man’ of the house, look after his younger brother and do the shopping.

“My mum was in and out of hospital and my dad was working late so I thought I couldn’t talk to them about my problems. I started isolating myself at school. I’d stay in the music room at lunchtime. I’d ask the music teacher to write a note saying I had to practice so I didn’t have to go to classes.”

“Once school finished, I dove into teaching. I played weddings. But I was struggling and saw other musicians struggling too. I could see music wasn’t an easy job.

“I tried to tell my mum there was a reason why I isolated myself, why I was grumpy. But she didn’t understand. She said, ‘What problems do you have?’. My parents came from poverty in Vietnam. It was a different culture and generation. It was very tough to talk about my issues at home.”

Two years later, Brian reached breaking point with extreme burnout.

“I’d driven to a student’s house for a lesson and was waiting on the doorstep. I just went, ‘I don’t want to do this’ and drove home. I lost the urge to do anything. I didn’t eat, didn’t go anywhere.”

“I emailed the students' parents saying I need a week off. I went to therapy. I’d talk a little, then say, ‘I’m good’. And clearly, I wasn’t.”

Like many artists, Brian thought the answer was to play more. To practice more.

“I thought the more I work, the less I think about these problems. Maybe these mental health problems are because I still feel like I have to prove myself. I didn’t have a 9 to 5 job for my LinkedIn profile like other people.”

“When I talked to colleagues and people at uni, most of them had some form of mental health challenge. And their way of dealing with it was to practise and play more too. Music professors in their 40 and 50s were still doing gigs, living paycheck to paycheck. Some had good careers, but most were suffering in silence.

“I realised that physical health, let alone mental health, is not talked about in the music industry. So I started writing about it on social media. But I was still hiding, I wasn’t writing about my challenges.”

It was two years before Brian could do that. 

“After another panic attack, I wrote on Instagram that it was from six years of pushing myself, not sleeping or eating, trying to validate myself and make it as a musician.”

“I’m not glad the panic attack happened, but I’m glad it opened my eyes to that dark truth. 

“It’s not a new issue. The tortured artist archetype – taking their lives, using alcohol and drugs to numb their feelings because they’re in so much mental and emotional pain. It’s still happening, especially in K Pop.”

Brian took stock, and stepped away from his music school to focus on what really mattered – finding purpose in his life and prioritising his mental fitness.

“In the past, I used exercise to ‘run away’ from my issues. I would run to the point of ripping the hamstring off my bone. I’d tell myself if I can’t do 10km, I’m weak. It was an inner battle. I’d run, come home, not eat.”

“Now I run along the water, get some air, some sun, then come home and eat. It’s healthy, mentally and physically.

“It’s ironic. Tommy Emmanuel is my guitar hero, but I got so much more from listening to him talking about his life, and the lessons he’s learnt to be the best father, and grandfather.

“It’s really about knowing you can live a very fulfilling life, without losing yourself chasing validation or money or fame or a lifestyle. Because if the cost of that success is your sleep and mental health, it’s not success.

“Now I want to be the best person I can be, rather than the best musician I can be.

“I strongly believe musicians should be talking about mental health at a grassroots level. You don’t have to hide behind a song to be vulnerable. Spend 10 or 20 seconds saying ‘I have gone through a tough time' before you perform. Or share it online if you struggle talking about it with your inner circle.

“I’ve lived through it. It took me a very long time to get comfortable sharing my story. But when I finally opened up about my struggles, my students and followers didn’t run away – they moved closer.”

You can follow Brian here.

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